The last installment of AHS this year is the continuation of
the Countess’s revenge. Will Drake is dead and Ramona lingers trapped on the un-escapable
floor. What will become of Donavon, now
that Valentino has been found? Why have
an imitation instead of the original? But
will Valentino still love the Countess after learning of the savage vampire she
has become?
The episode opens in reception with Liz narrating. She’s sees her job as providing secrecy for
all matters of taboos; couples doing drugs, a place for hidden trysts and a
place to end it all. An elderly couple checks
in to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. As Liz shows them the room she knows they are
there to commit suicide together.
Moments after some champagne, they shot each other in the head. Liz
enters the room followed by Iris. “Have
you ever seen something so beautiful?” Iris looks at the scene more
pragmatically, the room will take hours to clean. Liz breaks down and confesses she’s lost the
will to live since Tristan was murdered. She grabs one of the guns and places
it on her temple. Iris begs her not to
kill herself, at least not in the hotel where she would be doomed to dwell
forever. Iris expresses her fatigue with
life, despite her new immortality. Liz
and Iris make a pack to end their lives together as soon as they get their
affairs in order.
Ms. Evers assists Liz with calling her son to invite him to
Los Angles to stay at the Hotel for a week. Once off the phone, she asks Liz how long it’s
been since she’s seen her son. Liz confesses its been thirty one years, but
she’s sent money. Ms. Evers thinks its
folly to expect him to accept Liz. “In
my day, fairies knew better then to father children!” (She doesn’t understand
transgender people but she is from a hundred years ago!) To stop her tirade, Liz gives her some
Oxyclean, and she’s “As happy as Christmas morning!”
John looks at the trophy room with Sally peering over his
shoulder. “You’re a marvel John Lowe!” Ears
are pinned for the sin of worshiping false idols. John recalls the murders of some pagan
worshippers. He introduced himself to
them as “Death” and murdered about three people. Back in the secret room, Sally tells him, “One
more and you’ll be free.”
A record starts, Donavon sets out into the California
sunshine at the run down motel where Valentino is staying. The Countess greets Natacha at her penthouse.
Donavon confronts the silver screen star. Valentino sees Donavon as a “pretty boy” past
his prime. The Countess and Natacha
taunt one another, and she calls the Countess a mere fan and “little mouse.” The men’s conversation turns violent,
Valentino takes out a sword, much to Donavon’s amusement. Donavon shoots the vampire actor in the face,
killing him. The Countess shoots her
rival, asking the new corpse, “Who’s the little mouse now!” Donavon relishes his rival’s ruined face and
tastes his blood adding, “I have better cheekbones, that go on for days!” (What
the Countess said to him as she turned Donavon into a vampire.)
Mr. March has tied up his contractor and is wearing a
fearsome leather mask. The man
apologizes for the delay in construction but of course March is not swayed. He turns on a gas line and lights the man on
fire. As he inspects the burned corpse,
John enters, begging March for information about Alex’s whereabouts. March has new ideas for them for after the Ten
Commandment murders. March thinks worrying about his wife will only distract
John from their work together. Finally,
March gives in and arranges a meeting.
John waits for Alex in March’s dining room as Ms. Evers
twitters about babbling about tea and arguing on an empty stomach. Alex appears as a perfect Victorian
widow. She admits to John she lied about
Holden because she wanted him for herself.
They both agree they’ve abandoned Scarlett and are bad parents.
(Understatement of the year!) The
Countess has learned about the pack of vampires Alex unknowingly created by
saving Max from the measles. Alex says
the Countess has threatened to kill her and Holden unless she can fix this
problem. John offers to help, he’ll do
anything for Holden.
Liz taps her fingers nervously at the bar. Ms. Evers assures her things will be fine and
her son is coming down to the bar presently. The two strike up an easy conversation, the
son even complements her dress. As the
drinks flow, he confesses his father has been on his mind and he’s in town to
reunite with him. Faced with a perfect
opening, Liz demurs on revealing herself to him. However, she seems satisfied by the time
they’ve just shared.
John and Alex head to the mansion where the vampire kids had
been living. As they make their way
through the darkened house, Alex hears coughing. She finds a girl on the floor, ill and coughing. As Alex goes to help her, Max and the others
emerge to threaten her. John threatens
to shoot the kids but then the ill girl’s condition worsens. Alex performs CPR on the girl but cannot save
her. (Do these vampires have beating hearts? I’m so confused!) Max is upset at the girl’s death. Alex explains “It’s too late for Kimmy.” John adds, “It doesn’t have to be too late for
the rest of you!”
The Countess had guests, police are there to take her
missing person report on her husband Will Drake. The Countess is wearing a dull pantsuit and
pearls and speaks in a most affected manner. The male detective suggests the groom got
“cold feet” after the ceremony. Suddenly,
Drake appears stating he was simply lost in the hotel’s new construction area
for TWO DAYS. The Countess escorts the
police out, “Nice to have a happy ending without all the tugging and pushing!”
(Meow!) Drake is upset she murdered him
and deduces that was her plan all along. He reminds her she is not in the will, his son
should inherit his empire. The Countess
threatens to make Laclan “One of her own blood.” Drake has figured out she’s a vampire and she
observes he’s smarter dead then he was in life.
As Drake leaves enraged, March pops up to say, “I told you would regret
killing him at the hotel!”
Alex and John usher the kids to through the hotel lobby. They take an elevator to the dark, seemingly
empty floor. The murderous gaggle seems
scared for the first time. Alex assures them she’ll be right back with
something or someone to eat. The kids reluctantly
file inside. The last kid has to be
pushed by John who moves to quickly shut a steel door behind him. The kids yell and blame Max for trusting Alex.
The kids see corpse on the floor. Ramona appears saying, “I smell appetizers!”
(She maybe vicious and powerful but she is outnumbered. Some kids still appear
to be fighting the measles, could they infect her? Do we even care at this
point?)
Alex and John are naked and alone in his room. Alex isn’t sure if she trusts her rekindled
feelings for her soon to be ex-husband.
She senses something different in him, stating he seems “more whole.” She leaves him to go check on the children. Out of the shadows, Sally emerges. She is jealous of Alex and implores John to
stay with her because his wife would never accept him if she knew he was a
serial killer. They argue and make
violent passes at one another. John
likens Sally to an “addict’s high” a fleeting pleasure. As he dresses to leave, Sally becomes more
desperate, they choke each other and she brings out a knife. She tells him Alex abandoned him while she’s
been at his side since Holden’s disappearance. On the floor, crying, Sally tells John she
might kill Alex. He leaves her.
Liz and Iris present Ms. Evers with a modern washer and
dryer. The old maid is ecstatic! It is a
thank you for her help with reuniting Liz with her son. Iris and Liz walk down the hall, contemplating
their method of suicide. Ms. Evers calls
out that Douglas is waiting for Liz at the bar. Liz rushes down to share a drink with him. He
reveals he knows Liz is his father. She is touched, “How could I have raised a
son with such compassion?” Douglas
points out that his mother raised him because he abandoned them. Still, he accepts Liz saying simply, “I have
room for another woman in my life.”
Donavon serves the Countess some red meat. (These vampires
eat?) He says he’s surprised she is not
still on her honeymoon in Paris, murdering her husband and dumping his body in
the Seine. She confesses she killed him
after he insulted her child by feeding him to Ramona. Donavon mocks sadness at not being able to
“hate watch” this event with her. He
brings up her “boyfriend” asking if he’s texted her lately. He then laughs saying she can forget about
“Facetime” with him. The Countess leaves
to Valentino’s motel room. She finds his bullet-ridden corpse, concealed blood all
around his head. What will Donavon’s
punishment be?
Iris is working on a laptop as Liz strolls in her room. She says she’s finally finished her memorial
video, and she shows Liz. It contains
pictures of rainbows and tulip fields with the song, “I Hope You Dance.” By Lee
Ann Womack. Liz looks at the bed where
Iris has assembled guns, ropes and other implements of self-destruction. Liz has a suggestion for her video and Iris
senses she’s stalling. Liz confesses she
wants to live, Douglas wants to have a relationship with her, and she hopes
might even be a grandmother one day. Iris
is upset at her change of heart. Liz
thinks they’ve suffered enough and should rule the hotel, turning it into “Best
Exotic Marigold Hotel.” It seems she may
have convinced her depressed vampire friend.
Alex leads John to the “children’s room” she warns him if he
enters, there is no going back. John goes in and embraces his son exclaiming,
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that!” His son replies simply, “Five years.” John
remarks his son looks exactly the same.
Alex assures him that he’ll stay that way. The family walks down the
hall, to the lobby. As they are about to
exit, Sally screams down at John, “I’m going to kill you!” Probably an idle threat if John can stay away
from the Hotel Cortez.
Donavon is grooving and doing the Drake dance to “Hotline
Bling.” (Better then the original.) The Countess enters crying, surprised that
he hasn’t run away. The Countess
recounts how she spent nearly a century looking for Valentino, fearing he had
abandoned her. Donavon knew how much he
meant to her and that’s why he killed her maker. He now fully expects to die at
the hands of the Countess. He gets on his knees and declares his love for her. She looks down at him and says, “What a
beautiful thing I’ve made.” Iris and Liz
disrupt the tragic couple as they enter the penthouse with guns in each hand
shooting to kill their oppressors. The episode ends, the result is unclear.
The final episodes will air in January. Maybe by then I can recover from Lady Gaga’s
tiresome overacting. Most of the
storylines have peaked, but I have a feeling we’ll have to see John murder a
few more people. Ramona probably doesn’t
have a place in the “Best Exotic Cortez Hotel”
unless hipsters check in. Even
Ms. Evers won’t be as crazed now she has Oxyclean and a modern washing machine.
Hopefully the final episodes will return
to some of the suspense and camp which made the beginning of the season more
enjoyable.